Related: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX85JymdGnQ

In reply to Monkey Mind.

Is good book! You read!

In reply to jwz.

Thank you for this gift of violent, unexpected glee! It's good to know this exists.

In reply to tfb.

No one has mentioned River of Teeth yet, so I shall.

In reply to Monkey Mind.

The Dark Pharaoh.

Menes, who may in fact have been Narmer or possibly Hor-Aha, who was perhaps the founder of the first dynasty, was carried off and killed by a Hippopotamus.  I imagine that, having dealt with an actual Pharaoh, they'd rather relish a go at some pasty techbro playing one,

Indeed, I think, come the time, the hunts should be the other way around.  Like the Hunger Games, but with techbro tributes and hippos, possibly with frickin' laser beams on their heads, hunting them.

I can no longer tell if I am joking about this.

Can we interest the tech billionaires in big game hunting maybe? Can we all watch? I'd watch a reality tv show of Libertarian Hippo Safari.

I can envision several tiers.

The Paleo Trophy. You get to kill your hippo using flintstone tools and a canoe. Perk: You get to wear the tusks on a leather thong around your loins, if you survive. Also, a lifetime supply of dried hippo jerky.

The Dark Pharaoh. Nighttime hippo hunting with bronze spears from a reed raft boat. Perk: a hand-drawn stelè with unicrud hieroglyphs commemorating your triumph over the behemoth.

The Crusader. Follow in the steps of 13th century Normans attempting to invade the Nile Delta with crossbows and plate armor. Perks: You get to lecture the hippos on your theories about the Antichrist, prior to engaging in heroic watersports.

I'm excited about this vision! Oh the opportunities to cull not one but two invasive species!

I assume condoms were out of the question...

In reply to Cordwainer Fish.

Lol :)

But speaking realistically hippos are too small for that. Orion drives get more efficient as you scale them up. Plus hippos are almost exclusively located inside the atmosphere, last time I checked, and using an Orion drive inside an atmosphere is contraindicated.

In reply to Tim.

Even large animals like horses and cows are fairly straightforward, with only a vet, a farmer and a skinny work-experience kid (me), it took less than a minute to turn a young bull into a bullock. The whole 'keeping their genitals on the inside' thing seems to be a pretty good defence for hippos.

In reply to Big.

In 2036, a hippo will be elected as president for its second term by a large margin.  The world will express its relief that the Trump cultists lost, again: even though America now has an economy smaller than that of the channel islands and most of its remaining population is slowly dying of radiation sickness and mesotheliomas, people are glad that its remaining nuclear weapons remain in safe hands.

In reply to Tim.

I'm not even sure how you move a hippo.

Orion drive?

In reply to jwz.

Some perspective on the other end of the comparison: I do a little bit of feral cat trap-neuter-return volunteer work. Sometimes the shelters I take the cats to give me their medical records after the surgery, so I know how long it takes.  Excluding prep work (or so I presume), male cats need about 2 minutes of surgery, female cats about 10 minutes.  In both cases the incisions are tiny because they're able to do everything laparoscopically, so the wounds can be closed up and sealed with surgical glue and the cats are ready to release as soon as they recover from anesthesia.

Also, cats fit in traps that can be carried by hand and easily transported to facilities where the surgeons work.  I'm not even sure how you move a hippo.

War on Drugs again.

I look forward to hearing about the hippos repeatedly and comprehensively winning against the state here, and eventually becoming legalised.

1. Seldom have I seen a chain of previouslies with such topical specificity.
2. See also: https://harpers.org/archive/2020/11/bleat-house-chris-weathersbee-goats/

In reply to Zygo.

Covered in Previously 5.

It is not like sterilizing a dog or a cat[citation needed]

I feel like "euthanasia" should be reserved for actions that an objective observer would conclude are in the best interests of all concerned. "After complex consultations, the Israeli Air Force reluctantly concluded that it was time to let Ali Khamenei go."

😢😢